Before you lose your Virginity: Should Society be one-sided?


I had a conversation with a friend recently about how society has made women feel less for losing their virginity. So after pondering for a while, I asked myself “why should the decision be made for women”?

Why should you care about society before you lose your Virginity?

Being a virgin simply means you haven’t had any sexual intercourse with anyone. And in Nigeria today, it is a norm for parents or guardians to raise their children to abstain from pre-marital sex.  I am not trying to go against religious or ethnic beliefs surrounding the idea of sex.

The big question on my mind is, does being a virgin apply to both genders? Does this same parental advice about sex abstinence apply to men as well? How do men feel to be tagged virgins?

The discussion with my friend was about the assertion most women give after a breakup, you hear things like; “oh I loved him so much but he broke my heart after using me”, “so it was just for sex”, “I trusted him but he dumped me”, life is so unfair guys are scum” and so on.

These comments coming from most women made me have a re-think about the narratives that have been passed on from our forefathers. Most times I hear phrases like, “you are a woman you shouldn’t give yourself freely to a man, or wait till you are married before you have sex because having sex before marriage is an abomination.  Society is so concerned about the virginity of men but men are allowed to hoe around and come back to question the sexuality of women and preach virginity.

They taught women about the importance of keeping their virginity and didn’t do the same for men, they taught women about their sexuality and said nothing about the men.  

Are women supposed to be programmed for having sex when society deems it fit? Or is this just a myth that has become our reality. So once again I reflected; how did we get here? Why can a man brag about his sexual escapades, whereas it sounds like a taboo for his female counterpart to do the same? I recall a popular phrase that says “what is good for the goose is also good for the gander”?

Should women really feel bad about their sexuality just because most cultures glorify female virginity? And like a friend would say “men respect virgins”. The sad part is that most parents even go as far as doing a routine check on their girl child to ascertain if they are still virgins or not, even after they’ve reached adulthood.

Why would a man feel his soul-mate is a loosed girl simply because he didn’t meet her as a virgin? I am female, so what? is it normal for society to place barricades on one gender in order to stop them from freely exploring their lives? Why do I have to explain my actions or think about society first before acting? 

Why should I feel scared before making that big decision? Is the idea of virginity also applicable to men? As a lady, we are seen as cheap for having sex, like I had sex with an object. I know most men pay for sex but that is not the case when you’re building a relationship with someone you trust.

Women should be given a chance to make their own decisions whenever they want to. Because in recent times I realize most women cry or feel sober after a breakup over things like, having sex with a guy who eventually decides to move on. You could complain about the time wasted and the investments but not sex because you didn’t have intercourse with a statue and you weren’t raped either. It was mutual. Yes, we had sex, and we enjoyed the moment together. 

But why do most women play the role of the victim? This must stop. And society needs to stop shaming women. Every woman is allowed to make her own choice about her sexuality and not be disrespected, you shouldn’t disrespect a woman because of her virginity. Men shouldn’t be more concerned about our past rather than our present if they claim to be in love with you. Funny how women do not even bother about the virginity of men.

Women should be able to say things like “ oh, well…we had sex, but things didn’t work as planned. Honestly, .you shouldn’t remain in a toxic relationship because you are worried about the fact that he is the first man you had sex with or because you think about what your friends would say, and the society as well.

As a woman, you must be confident by saying “I’m done with this relationship and I’m moving on for the sake of my own happiness”. When you would feel this way, it boosts your self-esteem as a woman. 

In summary, marriage shouldn’t be mandatory for everyone, and a girl mustn’t be married to have sex. What if she doesn’t want to get married? Why force her to get married? Recent studies have shown that most ladies fall into depression because after having sex they feel they can’t do without the man simply because of  “see finish “ as it is said in my local parlance. 

My religion is against fornication and adultery, but society generally is mostly against female sexuality. Society needs to change its perception about women and stop reducing us to objects without emotions. In my opinion, women should be allowed to express their sexuality as much as they want to, just like their male counterparts.

Damn… I can’t believe my friend gave me that weird look for mentioning the word virginity and the other couldn’t utter the word sex like it’s an abomination. We must correct this mindset while we still can.


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